When you love Jesus and Titties: Things we don't talk about

First of all, If you are offended by this title stop reading now. Most likely you have a legalistic view of Christianity and this post will not help you nor will you ever be able to help those who struggle with secret sin...

In 1995 I got a Compaq computer with a modem, setup my AOL account and accessed the Internet one evening. Chat rooms were the beginning then one curious keyword search would prompt never-ending pop-ups of pornographic images. Next thing I new it was daybreak. I had spent hours looking at sex. The pop ups came so furiously and I could not exit them to the point I had to unplug the computer. 

Not long after that night, it happened again. Bored and sitting in the basement the click-fest started. Finally I had to shut the computer down because I was about to be late for choir practice. 

A few years later, clicking through channels I came upon a free-month of HBO and Showtime. Late one night scanning channels I saw titties. BIG ONES. For a few hours I would scan through each movie channel hoping to see more. 

I realized quickly two things I must do. First, I set up a password for content restrictions where I would have to take a second step by willfully entering a password before accessing explicit content, and I asked DirecTV to remove the movie channels. I needed safeguards set-up because my will power was so weak.

I confessed to my wife that I have viewed pornography that previous evening. She was shocked, but graciously listened to me, understood and forgave me. 

I read the book "Every Man's Battle" and even had my wife read it. I explained to her the pressures and temptations that I faced daily. Even though I do not act on them, it doesn't stop their onslaught on my mind. She and I came to an understanding that brought us closer than ever. 

Today, we avoid Rated R and MA movies. If we were to watch one, we review the Parents guide on IMDB to see if it has sexual content. If there is nudity, we don't watch. Does it always work out? No. On instances we come across content and I simply do my best to look away or to fast forward through it. 

Why do I do this?  When I check out other women, subconsciously, it takes away from how I view my wife. When I control my eyes, her beauty is amplified. Her body satisfies me more and more. This is because I have not satisfied my desires elsewhere. She has become the object of my lust. You don't believe me? If you took an honest look at your life you would learn it does you too. Viewing nudity and sexual content on TV gets the heart pounding and has a temporary feel good moment. But afterwards leaves you empty and shameful...if you are striving to follow Christ.

This is one of the things Christians don't talk about much. A secret sin that allows you to still be in the choir, on a keyboard or even teaching a class. 

I thank God that each failure was just for a moment. However, there are those they are under lust's power non-stop and cannot break free. If that is you. Find another man that you can trust. Men, should talk about this. Christians should talk about this.

The Bible says that we were born into sin and shaped in iniquity. The Bible also says "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us."

A Worship Leaders Confession: I May Have Led You Wrong

My dream as a teenager was influenced by Chicago, Dan Hill, Toto, and any other groups that produced love songs. The string arrangements and digital keyboards would move me and have significant influence on my state of mind. Years later Church gave me an avenue to fulfill the dreams of my teenage years. I learned to sing "Love Songs" to God.

Being a young Worship leader I learned there was power in what I was doing. It felt good. What I did and the songs I chose could cause a physical and emotional reaction in those I was leading. All Worship leaders and singers verbalize that it is for the Glory of God. But was it? Take a moment and analyze yourself. Did/Do the crowds response positively or negatively affect you? If so, then there was/is self involved. We all want to do a good job, especially since being a Worship leader are some peoples primary source of income. We unintentionally teach others to be showman. If not, then our perceived performance/effectiveness would not be based on congregants response and Church growth.

While performing (I am saying performing because I realized that is what I was doing), I often found myself feeling empty, while those I ministered to, or performed for seemed to touch the gates of Heaven and bask in a Glory that I seldom experienced. My heart was for good, but was I really deep down seeking approval of any talent I tried to exhibit? Were the praises of the people for God or for me? I am confessing, that there were times it was for me...it felt good.

Becoming a Worship Leader in a Black Church was amazing and revealing. Learning the importance of fashion and branding further took me down a path of self glory. I would sit on a Hammond Organ and play while the Pastor preached. At the time it was amazing. When a white guy sits on a Hammond Organ and plays like a Black musician, he is guaranteed to stand out and be recognized. It was like a drug to me. Playing and leading became a "Look what I can do" session.

Here is where I feel I led many wrong. I felt like I had to create an atmosphere for worship. Unknowingly, I was attempting to use music to manipulate people into worship. I installed amazing sound and lighting systems to mimic the concert experience. If the sound guys forgot to turn on the effects, I would be furious. I even convinced a Pastor we needed to turn the lights off. I was more focused on experience and emotion and orchestration than message and true corporate worship. MUSIC IS POWERFUL. I am not/was not alone. Today, this mentality is the norm not the exception. Of course we don't want to believe that about ourselves or about our Church. I was trying to recreate what I saw on TV.

MUSIC IS A MANIPULATOR. I love music. I am learning to analyze my intent. I currently attend a Church that for the most part I did not like the song choices. Most of the songs are very wordy and do not move me like I am use too. Another confession...Our Worship leader is choosing sound doctrine in song over experience and emotion. I get that now. His heart exhibits a pureness, and his song choices exhibit wisdom.

Today there are false prophets and teachers everywhere. Their music ministries are producing amazing music services that Churches all across the World are trying to mimic. Why are we presenting music to our congregations from Churches founded on false prophecy and teachings?

At the time of this writing, I am unsure if I will ever choose to lead Worship in church again. If I do, there will be changes. I will be different.

To any Worship leader reading this:

• Do we seek God for songs or do we look for those that we think will move people?
• Does the crowds reaction affect us positively or negatively?
• Are the songs we choose biblically sound?
• Can we have worship without technology?
• Can we give a below average singer with an amazing heart of worship a platform?
• Do our websites, and or social media feature us or Christ?
• Is fashion and branding a focus?
• Would praise and worship suffer if we turned the house lights on?

Let's get back to Amazing Grace...